Hermes Cabin Rules
by softnerd
Summary: The Gods & the campers of Camp Half-Blood have finally decided to do something about Hermes's little tormentors.
1. Chapter 1

Hermes Cabin Rules

1) No getting naked with Demeter, Dionysus, Apollo or Aphrodite campers in hot tubs!** (1)**

2) No training little children as your mini-personal-army.

3) No robbing "IKEA"

4) No highjacking the camp van.

5) No raiding Mr. D's alcohol stash!

6) No highjacking Hermes' or Apollo's ferraris, lotuses or porches.

7) Or any cars belonging to people who CAN and WILL burn you to a thieving little crisp.

8) No raiding "Dylan's Candy Bar", "FAO Schwarts" or the camp store.

9)No selling Lila's bras for money **(2)**

10) Or Clarisse's for your own safety and the safety of other campers.

11) If you do sell her bras, the excuse "It was Will!" will only tick of Apollo and the Apollo Cabin _and _Will **(3)**

11) No sneaking into the woods at night to scare tourists camping with Mrs. O'Leary & Nico's..._friends._

12) No pretending to be homosexual or sketchy around Lord Zeus or anyone.

13) No flirting with Apollo, even if he does encourage it. **(4)**

14) The excuse "But he's so smexy!" **(5)** won't get you out of trouble for doing so.

15) No letting each other or Apollo talk you into anything that could be considered as sexual harassment.

16) No pranking Mr. D without your father's "OK".

17) No building indoor pools.

18) No sending Hades brochures about anthropophobia (fear of living things).

19) No trying to sell Connor on eBay as a manservant.

20) No sending links to Dr. Phil's parenting page to the Gods, especially your father because then everyone else has to deal with him being depressed.

21) No trying to kill Lila's boyfriends unless instructed to do so

22) No digging underground tunnels leading under the camp store and into different cabins.

23) Or under the girl's bathroom- this means you Travis & Connor!

24) NO STEALING APOLLO'S SUN CAR- you will probably die, like the last idiot to try driving it.

25) No giving other campers piercings or tattoos, or trying to give yourself tattoos.

26) No telling Hermes that Pollux knocked up Lila, and wait until after he's turned Pollux into a rat and fed him to George that you were "Just j-k'in, dude!".

27) Bringing a warhead to riding lessons won't impress women and it's stupid to think _just _because the dude from Armageddon did it it's okay!

28) No pretending to be a kamikaze pilot when riding a pegasus, it's not nice to the horse!

27) No asking Hermes "Where do babies come from?".

28) No calling Hermes just to get him arrested by saying he's a child molester. **(6)**

29) No making blonde jokes around Apollo

30) No using corny pick up lines on Aphrodite, it really pisses her off.

31) No telling Ares about his daughter's sex life, it will get messy. **(7)**

32) Lastly, no highjacking airplanes for the sake of saying you've done it.

Those to follow these rules:- **(8)**

-Travis Scott Stoll

-Connor Patrick Stoll

-Christopher Diego Rodriguez

-Lila Violet Pierce

-Charlie Blair Pierce

-Teddy Andrew Alec

**1- Just the cabins where the people they're dating are (ex. Travis & Katie, Connor and his latest girlfriends because I always pictured him as a man-whore and Lila is going to date either a Dionysus or Apollo boy, and Charlie an Aphrodite or Apollo girl I'm not saying who)**

**2- Lila is one of the OC's and the daughter of Hermes.**

**3- Will Solace, son of Apollo (not an OC)**

**4- The daughter of Hermes (Lila) not Travis and Connor, though that would fall under the pretending to be gay thing.**

**5- SEXY MASCULINE hahahahahaha**

**6- Technically speaking he's about 10000 years older than the women who have his kids.**

**7- Chris & Clarisse.**

**8- My oc's in a fanfic I'm currently working on**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hermes Cabin Rules Part II**

No putting dozens of bumper carts on the archery field

No pretending to be the Italian mob and Teddy is the godfather

No having replacing the chariots with giant hamster balls

No offering anyone a "BJ"

No dressing or acting like pimps

No pretending to be hungover, high or drunk

While pretending to be drunk, high or hungover, you may not puke on Lord Zeus' throne

Or anyone other God's thrones

No flashing the God's or Mr. D

No taping over the Aphrodite Cabin's movies with "Friday the 13th"

No taping over the Ares Cabin's movies with "Letters to Juliet" (1)

No lecturing Apollo, Hermes or any male gods about "Protection".

No asking Apollo about Grey's Anatomy and why _his _hair isn't as fantastic as McDreamy's (2)

No asking Artemis when she's finally going to hit puberty.

No questioning Hades about if he's the father of that emo girl in the Twilight movies.

No standing up on the Hermes table during dinner and start hitting on Katie Gardner by singing Can't take my eyes off of you, it only works for Heath Ledger. (3)

No swimming to the bottom of a pool, and say to Percy when you resurface, "I was trying to get to your hot stepmom!"

No asking Hephaestus why he hasn't kicked Aphrodite out yet.

No wondering aloud why Hermes "fell in love with that crazy chick" it doesn't matter if your his kids, it'll piss him off.

No narrating your life aloud. It's weird and annoying. (4)

No walking around with the Aphrodite Cabin's lingerie on saying "See anything ya' like, speak up now." If your a son of Hermes, it's disturbing, if it's a daughter of Hermes,

we don't need any boys to die at the hands of your father.

No starting a Nudist Colony.

No giving Dionysus French wine for Christmas, it's cruel. (5)

No asking Zeus or any gods who invented "Trojan", and no wondering why the gods never use it.

No asking Aphrodite "When the baby's due" when she isn't pregnant, or else Ares & Hephaestus have to hear about it for the next century

No smuggling brazilian monkeys into camp

No firing guns off to get peoples attention for no reason

No asking Ares how he feels about "Having a total pansy as a son" (6)

No asking Mr. D if he think Bambi's mom dying was sad

No calling Zeus a rapist

You may not lecture Hermes about how stealing is wrong

No wondering aloud why Hermes is still so clingy to his mommy. (7)

No sending Mr. D brochures on drinking problems.

No spray painting the Apollo cabin.

No accusing Hera of beastism. (8)

When at dinner don't put knives in between your knuckles and start growling like Wolverine

No peeing on a tree outside the Demeter Cabin

No replacing the Aphrodite Cabin's cosmetics with pegasus droppings or their shampoo with Nair.

No standing up at dinner and point to Annabeth Chase claiming "SHE GAVE ME SYPHILIS!"

No having any access to explosives. Under any circumstances.

No yelling at people in spanish.

-End

-End

-End

-End

-THE end

Welllll good? Bad? REVIEW!

Anyways here's some explanations if ur just like "wtf?"

1: THE most chick-flicky movie ive ever seen, im a chick and i almost puked in it

2: since he's the god of medicine and derek shephard is the god of drop-dead-sexy-hair

3: youtube search: heath ledger singing can't take my eyes off you it's awesome.

4: family guy clip that i stole that from which i don't own: .com/watch?v=swJmB-AqhOI

5: Since he's not aloud to drink.

6: Since his son is Cupid (or Eros) with Aphrodite

7: Since you have to say "Maia"- which is his mom's name- to turn his freaky-cool shoes on

8: Since Zeus seduced her by turning into a bird.


	3. Chapter 3

****

Hermes Cabin Rules

No conducting therapy sessions in the bathroom stalls.

No asking Martha and George about how Hermes's "Soceraphobia" is, while Hermes is standing there. **(1)**

No asking Artemis if she and Zoe were ever BFF's with benefits and then nudge her and wink.

No drinking red bull and then jumping off the cabin roof, it can't really give you wings.

No calling everyone "chico", especially Chris Rodriguez.

No singing "Like a virgin" next to Artemis. **(2)**

Under no circumstance are you aloud to ask Artemis about if she's jealous of her brother's sex life.

No trying to get Nico deported. **(3)**

No making cheesy redneck jokes around Will Solace. **(4)**

No asking Clarisse if she and Silena were secret lovers****

, you'll be murdered brutally.

No asking Hermes why his voice always sounds stereotypically gay in animated stuff.

No telling Dionysus what a "pretty girl" he is. (5)

****

No telling Demeter how "totally sexy" her daughters are- this means you, Travis! (6)

No wondering aloud why all the guy gods are so into wearing mini-skirts.

No putting itching powder in the Ares cabin's underwear.

No taking away the son (singular) of Aphrodite's tanning booth or his life aka his hair gel.

No asking Apollo if he's the father of Fred. It irritates him. (7)

No telling Dionysus Pollux is way too nice to be his kid, and that Pollux's mom must've been unsatisfied.

No painting Black Jack pink, it ruins the name!

No preforming open heart surgery on hamsters.

No frizzing out Rachel's hair and make her look nuts, and say to Hermes, "We wanted her to look like the last crazy chick who worked for Apollo!"

No fake suicide attemps.

No giving random little kids "The Talk".

No making "That's what she said!" jokes around the Gods.

THE END CAUSE IM TOO LAZY TO THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE AND SHOULD PROBABLY DO MY HOMEWORK

REVIEW BEFORE I DIE p.s anybody know how to say "soldier" in french? haha like i said, homework.

In case ur like wtf?:

1: Fear of Parenting (lol- power of Google)

2: Self-Explanitory

3: Since he technically lives in the Underworld.

4: I pictured him as southern

5: Since he's discribed in ancient mythology as having a feminine quality about him.

6: KatiexXxTravis 4ever!

7: HEY ITS FRRRRRREEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDD and since fred's dad is AWOL i figured i may as well throw that in!


	4. Chapter 4

**__**

No posting Justin Bieber posters all over the Ares Cabin

When making fun of Eros and Ares defends him, do not say, "Ok, Ok, gods, don't get your man-skirt in a bunch (1)

No attaching bungee cords to the volcano climbing wall

No asking Apollo if he's gay **(2) **

No asking Aphrodite if she's one of those "bitchy mother-in-laws" (3)

No kidnapping Simon Cowell from American Idol in some weird attempt to keep him on the show

No bribing Clarisse to crotch-kick Percy

No asking Aphrodite if she's life-sized Barbie

No wondering why all the Gods have such tiny "package" in sculptures of them (4)

No asking any of the gods about their opinions on inbreeding

No lighting yourself on fire and jumping off your cabin roof, yelling "Flame on!"

No lighting off explosive fireworks at dinner

No dressing up like Fred & George Weasley

No putting dozens of toilets all over the Ares Cabin roof

No interrogating little kids after you can't find your pack of gum

No wearing Daisy Duke shorts- this means you, Connor- it's disturbing!

No holding a seminar for the Gods and then hand out condoms and say, "If your going to do it, be safe," like in public high schools.

No throwing pennies at random people from tree tops (5)

No jumping on new young campers in the dead of night wearing a Jason costume (Friday the 13th Jason)

END

END  
GET A LIFE IF YOUR STILL READING THIS- Sorry, THE END

I know it's short, I ran out of jokes that I stole from cable tv shows, lolz

in case ur like wtf?:

1: referance to the 1st chapter i forgot to put in

**__**

2: He's bisexual in a lot of myths- check wikipedia

3: The whole Eros-Psyche thing where she hated Eros's wife's guts for a while

4: Has anyone else noticed that but me! They're like the size of a pinky!

5: Lol, me and my bffl lily and some friends were at playland and we were all on the ferris wheel and we were in 1 and our 4 other friends were in a different ferris-wheel dome bubble thingy and we were trying to get their attention so we started chucking pennies at them and we got yelled at by these biotchy security bimbos and like seriously, we apologized and they just kept yelling and screaming for no reason and then i dissed them and we ran off giggling like immature little losers haha


	5. Chapter 5

No joking how Eros is a literal "Love-Child" it's a dumb pun

No playing strip pool with the wood nymphs

No hijacking hippocampi

No painting the inside of all the cabins neon green

No asking Ares and Apollo why they can't just "Keep it in their pants."

No asking Hera if she sleeps around

No calling Apollo "Barbie-Boy"

No starting churches about the Situation and DJ Paulie D

No calling Poseidon a ginger (1)

No running into the Big House, screaming "CLARISSE MOLESTED ME!"

No building ramps that will lead cars from the highway straight to camp and then steal the tires

No hazing new campers

No pretending to be australian

No saying "dude!" every other word

No pretending to be stoned

No giving Dionysus viagra (2)

No buying all the gods belts for christmas saying, "Figured you'd need them"

No dying Nico's hair red then say, "OMG IT'S ROBERT PATTINSON!" (3)

**I did this when I was home sick after up chucking on the soccer field**

**1: Since Kevin McKidd (who i LUVVVVVVVVVVVVV) is a red head**

**2: Since he only had 2 kids the entire series, and compared to, for example, Apollo's, like, 15, that aint much**

**3: I love him too, but let's face it…..THE BOY IS FUCKING EMO**


	6. I love you, Eric Dane!

No asking Eros why he'll only do it with his wife when the lights are out

No calling Apollo a "horny loser"

No singing "Before He Cheats" at the top of your lungs around Zeus & Hera

No dying your hair blue and calling yourself Teddy Lupin

No pretending to have a wet dream about Chiron

No ranting to Zeus about how incest is disgusting

No giving Apollo a mullet in his sleep** (1)**

No asking Apollo if the reason why he has so many kids is because he's afraid to admit he's gay

No getting Ares tickets to Oprah **(2)**

No kidnapping the pope then bringing him to Aphrodite to tell her about how adultery is wrong

No requesting sex-ed at camp

No speaking in 3rd person

No getting into drinking contests with Pollux, you'll loose or get liver failure **(3)**

No racing pegasus horses on the highway

No taking the camp van then speed on the highway

When pulled over by the police, no flashing them in an attempt to get out of a ticket

Final rule: If you are caught by anyone, ESPECIALLY THE GODS, do not attempt to use jedi mind control to get out of it.

FOLLOW THESE RULES OR SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES

-Olympians, Chiron, Campers of Camp Half Blood & The Police Department of Long Island and New York State.

THE END I WILL TAKE REQUESTS

1: I figured he loves his hair more than he loves life

2: Ha! Since it's a very mom-ish show

3: God of wine, people


	7. Chapter 7

This is probably my last chapter, ya'll! ENJOY AND REVIEWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

* * *

No putting up signs around camp offering ninja training for 15 bucks an hour.

If people arrive, no drop kicking them and stealing their money.

No putting tampons in your nose and jumping out at Mr. D, he **does not** find it funny.

No putting positive pregnancy tests in Kayla's trash bin when Apollo visits, it will result in every males demise. **1**

No following Artemis around the world just to ask her for her opinion on her man-whore brother's lack of knowledge on condoms.

No hanging naked photos of Megan Fox in the Artemis cabin when she comes to visit.

No throwing quarters at people.

When people give them back, no saying "It'll cost you more for an hour." **2**

No searching 'M' rated fictions on , then read the most explicit one to younger campers.

No prank calling your father, and reading them. He has your names in his contacts. **3**

No telling Apollo how "REJECTED!" he got by Daphne. **4**

No purposely slipping.

After slipping, do not break each other's arms in an attempt to make it look like it was legitimate.

After breaking each other's arms, no attempting to sue Zeus, his brother is the God of Lawyers. **5**

No re-anacting the movie "The Hangover".

On a related note, no stealing Mike Tyson's pets.

No calling Annabeth a hybrid. **6**

No going to a JK Rowling book signing and scream, _"FUCK YOU FOR KILLING FRED!" _**7**

On another related note, no dying your red.

No asian jokes.

No inquiring to Zeus why the whole Harry Potter cast was in Sweeney Todd. It irks him.

No buying a Camaro, then driving it into Olympus and when you are getting yelled at explain, "Don't worry! It'll turn into a big japanese robot- trust me with this!"

No giving Nico a Snooki-spray tan in his sleep.

No trying to eat fire.

No licking a chain saw to see what will happen.

No doing anything that will result in tongue-damage.

No going to Walmart and buying every single Dora doll by using Chiron's stolen credit card.

No stalking Megan Fox then forcefully kissing her (Connor, especially you).

No drunk sexting Apollo. (Connor, _again_, especially you). **8**

Travis- when you screw up with Katie, you _may not _steal a blimp and hire it to apologize for you, it ruins the romantic aspect when you're getting arrested.

* * *

_Camp Half Blood and it's sponsors are not responsible for any injures resulting in not following these policies._

* * *

1: Kayla is a daughter of Apollo, for those who don't know

2: Hahaha hooker joke. All rights go to Olivia Giblen- LOVE U GIBBY

3: I did that with my friend francesca today 2 our other friend olivia and she called back and is just like "I HAVE YOU IN MY CONTACTS, DUMBASS!" hahahahahahahaha

4: Ha! Read the myth if you don't know it. If you think about it it's pretty hysterical.

5: Hades is the god of death, hell...who goes to hell? Lawyers who keep getting me banned from Malls. -_- Stupid influential Weasley Twinz.

6: SMART BLONDE HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA (dont hurt me)

7: Damn straight.

8: My fantasy. :D Sorry, Jared if you're reading this! O/O (my boyfriend)


	8. Chapter 8

Travis examined the devastatingly long list nailed to their creaky cabin door. His sister, Lila, whined,

"What _are _we aloud to do- breathe? Or is that too annoying for these pricks!" The sky thundered, Chris nudged her, shaking his head rapidly, "Um...honorable, super hot, sexy pricks!" She clasped her hands together, staring at the sky,

"I'm not that bad!" Connor pouted, noticing how many references he had.

"Oh, wait," Travis jumped in, pointing at the list, "That violates rule number 13, technically that could be considered 'flirting with Apollo'. Or number 15, sexual harassment" Lila groaned, crossing her arms, disdainfully.

"Why the Hades are they so specific all of a sudden?" She rolled her eyes. Meanwhile, Connor smirked, a smile stretching across his face,

"Hmm...ya' know, cross out all the 'no's', this could make an excellent checklist! Or bucket list!" The Hermes kids exchanged mischievous looks, Travis smiled and skimmed the paper,

"Okay! e're gonna need some viagra, hamster balls, the Pope, duct tape and hair dye! Oh...and OJ Simpson's lawyer!" Lila laughed and grew a terrifyingly thoughtful look,

"Also...they never said we couldn't use our gay-dar!"

******

* * *

**

For those who don't know what gay-dar is- the hermes kids go around following aphrodite and apollo's sons bleeping saying "our gay dar frequencey has centered in on this location." hahaha my friend rupert did that for a whole day once and a kid name cody kicked him in the 'unmentionables'

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**go get a life/review! i love you all and thanks sooo much for the viewers and reviews! also if your into hermes-cabin related stuff, check out my other fics!**

**(c)**

**I own Lila, Charlie & Theo, children of Hermes**


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